Blah Blah Blah.. Blah Blah Blahhh!

Here i am.

Always searching for quote. Looking for something meaningful that can be applied to me or others. I've found a few but it's forgotten minutes i've heard it. I am so not a quote person.

I am currently very lost. It's definitely not depression. Just an early 20's crisis. I've been avoiding too many questions that needed answers and right now i'm being confronted by one that determines my future whether i want it or not.

Right now, i feel like a doll *at least it sounds nicer than a puppet!*. A doll always smiles at you because that smile is painted on it. You don't see a doll that frowns in anger, confusion, concentration or sadness. no. you will not see it because it's not there. a smile painted on my face but deep inside, i'm lost in confusion and anger and everything altogether.

it's funny how things can be so superficial. On the exterior, things are so beautiful but how sure are you that the interior is actually quite as shown exteriorly? a beautiful red apple can fool you but one bite may tell you whether it is sweet or not. whether it's rotten inside or not. whether it is a pure breed or not. *eh, i am not saying i'm fake ah! =P*

and there's a reason for me for not updating frequently besides my blogger being messed up. it's because i have so much anger in me right now that, if i do blog, i'll end up lashing at almost everyone who.. well, contributed to this anger in me.
i am way past that age where it's called angst ridden teen. right now, i am an angst ridden young adult. wtf. angst ridden young adult.

i wanna go goth. black hair, black liner, black shadows, black nails, black clothings. thing is, i've lost my black hair, i can't do black shadows and liner without looking as though i've been punched and black clothing is NICE.

the reason for going goth? to show them that i am EMO. wtf. i haven't been emo in awhile. and right now i am going emo.

it's time. i know this time would come. i've been far too happy these 2 years and the time for me to emo has come. god, WHY now? i effing hate decision making. and i effing hate making the wrong decision not that i truly have. okay. i HAVE. but those isn't as life altering as this is.

And i am the the doll with the painted smile right now. they don't know how "poisoned" it is inside. because she's taking everything in and letting nothing out.

on the other hand, the optimistic part?

smiling is infectious; you catch it like a flu.

i feel like smiling from the inside. when is it coming back to me?

As Fate Would Have It.

Here's the thing, I didn't get accepted into any local uni. period.

I can't believe it. i mean, it's really hard to believe that there isn't a place in any of the local unis for me, not even a place in mass communication though if i were to get it, i wouldn't go for it. I mean like wtf? i didn't get the consolation prize, at all. *rolls eyes*

And, i was f-king disappointed. I lived the last 6 months, dreaming of the day where i finally get into UM doing my law degree. No i won't settle for the 2nd best, or at least i don't want to. It was a shock really. Most of the people didn't quite expected it especially my family members. They refused to believe me until my voice cracked from holding back tears, then they finally understood. Telling my dad was the hardest, i totally teared in front of him.

I never resented those ppl. but now i sort of do. no wonder everyone wants to leave the country. the country has nothing much to offer them. nope.

i've spend almost 2 years to get into uni. one and half preparing for it. and the other half waiting for it. but owh well. basically, friday was prolly one of the worst day of my life.

and i don't want to appeal. what's the point? it's like BEGGING to get in. And i don't want to. I am desperate but i'm NOT that desperate. and UM doesn't allow ppl to appeal for its law course. wtf. so i appealed for UKM and UiTM, my dad went as far as asking for help from ppl. (-_-") i asked them to leave MCA outta it. I don't want to appear in the newspaper for this ninny stuff. i am willing to bet, i am not the only one with this stupid problem. and i will not be the first to do that this year.

i know my abilities. afterall, a true gold will never be afraid of fire (some chinese saying). that's what my dad told me a long time ago. and i say bring on the LLB and CLP!

on the brighter side, maybe fate has decided a different path for me. =) So now, while waiting for the appeal results, i'm scouting pvt universities for law course. =) and also, my parents are having my back. =) that's great to know. and of course, bennie and my sisters too. =3

this is just another chapter of my life. and it has proven, life is not easy. i'm okay now. it took one day, friday for me to sort out all my feelings. right now, i m not that worried. financial may be a problem but, let's just follow the river flow right now and see what the future has in store for me. =)

just thought you guys should know what's happening.

and no, i didn't get the f-ing premiere tickets. haha. X)

Sometimes

it is you i don't understand.

Ever find it hilarious that sometimes the person that you think you know or perhaps understand the most turns out to be someone that you don't really know and understand?

Or maybe it is because you really want to see and believe you know that person thus creating an image that's all in your head? Accepting all the plus side and denying every flaws, hoping that the flaws would go away? Hoping that all the good side is adequate or more than adequate to cover up the flaws?

We're just humans. We make mistakes. We do things that sometimes we can't explain it to ourselves. From mistakes we learn. From the flaws we recognize, we strive to change for the better.


and one thing i've never quite learn to stop is hiding and taking every hurt and disappointment inside, shutting it somewhere and slowly poisoning myself.


ps: i'm just a human too. i can't be perfect.

Of Dramas and Tears

doesn't exist in real life, or does it?

I used to think HK dramas are really over rated. i mean, who would argue over small lil stuff?

it happened today.

she is F-ing hypocrite. anything goes wrong, blames steph. had a bad day, vent it on steph. steph said the wrong thing, zooms into it and attacks that sore spot.

yeah. i had a bad one with her today. almost decided to actually leave the house for good. i salute my dad for his patience and love. i admire my dad the most for that beautiful quality of his.


obviously i m the smaller bear.

Q: what is the cause of today's war ( i had one ally while she had none, mwahahaha!) ?


the cause.

A: One word : Curtains.


Yesterday, my lovely younger sis n her went to look for curtains in macy. apparently curtains there aren't as beautiful or lovely as they thought. so they didn't buy any. she F-ing pin the blame on me saying that because i wasn't there they couldn't buy anything.

Steph : HELLO?! You can always f-ing buy whatever you want without me there okay? i don't have to pay for it. you do. get whatever you want. i can always get it another day. buy whatever you think is neccessary.


but reality is, they didn't buy anything. and the so called reason coz i was NOT there.


then she ask me to go get the f-ing curtains. i said okay with the help of sandra. sandra was bloody blur alright. it was also because of my mum indecessiveness, she was soooo blur about a lot of things. dad LAGI blur. then since no one was there to decide. i was stupid n i took the liberty to decide. look, i admit i m not the smartest on earth or in the family. it didn't occur me when i made the f-ing decision for everyone.
i bought white curtains for daylight curtain. and i bought it for the each window.

Q: define daylight curtain.
A: daylight curtain is the inner layer, the one close to the window, usually in translucent material to lighten the blazing sunlight streaming in to the house.

then she f-ing have to scold me saying the material didn't worth the money. she chided me from mahkota all the way to guardian in sg long and all the way home. i had enough. i yelled and scream back at her. saying things that i've hidden inside for so long. and she was taken aback. then she started attacking me for the things i said.


jeng jeng jeng!


before turning into the street, she ask me to get out and to not go home. which i said fine. i got out and slammed the f-ing door. then i walked home. boy, i was f-ing pissed. when i got home, dad came out n brought me in. when she saw me, she started asking me to leave which i said I WILL!


then i went into my room. she had to come after me. i called my elder sis and said i wanna stay with her for the rest of my life. LOL. then that woman have to keep screaming for me to leave. my dad came up. ( that's when i feel he's damn manly, hahaha!) he said to my mum in a really confident n loud voice. "She's NOT going anywhere, you are being unreasonable!"


but dad got into trouble for helping me. mum actually asked him to leave. (-_-") which he said "fine, i'll leave with her." by then i was crying. i was so pissed. i started crying. i wasn't sad. i was bloody angry. (-_-") god, i havent got so angry till i cry but this, i was pissed. i packed my bag and left. waiting for my dad. then dad argued some more. and before i know it, i was in the house. and my mum was still f-ing attacking me. *sigh*


it was bad. but i calmed down after that. and you know what? for that moment, i really hated her and i wished she wasn't my mum but i can't do much rite? i mean, this is life. i can't choose my mum. my dad said that. ben said that. royston said that.

then everything was resolved. but i dont think i wanna see her YET. dad asked me to apologized for what i said. i didn't apologized. i don't think i was at fault. and i wouldn't. or maybe i would. when i m in the mood but right now, i won't. coz i didn't do anything wrong! hmph!

Of Prima Donna and Diva

Do you know that i've NEVER labelled myself as a Prima Donna or Diva? But somehow, today, i feel like i'm almost one except for living in a mansion with 100 maids bowing and serving me at my feet.


a princess living in ruins.

I, Stephanie Lee, hereby announce that i hate MILO (my dog, not the drink) with every fibre of my being. I woke up, feeling happy, because my parents are coming back~ and then i was greeted by the ugliest sight in my whole life once i open my house door. Milo, shitted in his cage.

Owh, it's not so bad. Not really. (i'm LYING my head off right now). It's bad. it's VERY bad. It's not those hard lumps, it's those watery ones, u know, when u get diarrhea? it's called LOU SAI in hokkien (or at least i think so coz it sounds very hokkien-ish).


beauty sleep.

Upon being greeted by that pile of shit, my headache came back. Straight right into my brains. fried it. torn in. and suddenly anger surge right through me. i quickly close the door, and walk into my room. close the door. and sleep again, willing, wishing it to go away and hoping it to be just a nightmare and that i've not truly waken yet.

So i woke up again at about 830? or is it 9? i REFUSE to open the door. i did all the chores. and when i finally open the door, apparently it's reality. so i begin my cleaning process. God, it was awful. the smell. *sigh* and so i told myself that i've to at least wash away some because the stench is just so.. over powering.



unrequited love. was once there. no it doesn't feel good.


and while cleaning i just snap. I started cursing. i wanted to throw things at the dog. i wanted to slay him. i wanted to chop him into pieces............ JUST KIDDING....! actually, i did snapped though. I was thinking about loading him into the car, drive all the way to tun hussein onn, and leave the bugger there and then go home. If my parents were to ask where did the dog go, i would just say..

"he ran away because i HAVEN'T been feeding him anything these past few days. I TOLD you to send him to some dog hotel but you wouldn't. i was too busy preparing for STPM that i totally forgot about the dog."

i could so imagine the look on their faces. no i couldn't actually.

My parents better pay me GOOD for what i went through these few days. My sister and her husband was supposed to help me but they couldn't because of their hectic schedule and i was left alone to handle it with ben and sandra.


take me away.


I am known to love cute furry things. Yes, i do. Milo is cute. Milo is furry. But MILO isn't tiny or small. Someone missed out the word "small/tiny" in describing my love for cute furry things. =D why do i like cute furry things instead of any size? because of their shit. hamsters's shit is like.. as small as a GRAIN of rice and it doesn't stink. Milo's shit is bigger than human shit at times. =/ and it stinks like hell. My stomach always flip-flops whenever i try to clean up the shit. and today, i almost vomited again. *Sigh*

and i've even gotten blister from using the "cangkul" to pick up the shit. For some odd reason, my house "cangkul" is those used in construction. the ironic thing is, no one is my family is involved in contruction or whatever. So i suspect my dad picked it up from somewhere.



blistered.


And while i was doing laundry earlier, i've decided this.

the next time my parents are going on holiday, i'll insist them sending the dog to a dog hotel. I don't care if they have to pay extra. i don't care. i'm gonna scream, throw a tantrum, whine and whine, cry, wail, i'll do whatever that is in my power to have the dog away. heck, if they don't, i'll run away somewhere and have the dog starve. i know i'm selfish. but i don't like being responsible of the dog. EVER.


actually, by next year, i won't be around much. coz i MIGHT be staying in a dorm. heh heh~! if they go on holiday, i might not even be home to help them handle things. *smiles sweetly* No, i WON'T come back if the dog is here. xD sorry sandra! you just gotta go through what i went through to know why i hate milo now.



i'll gain my wings.


why would i say that i've a little diva or prima donna in me? it's because i believe only these "little princess" wouldn't like being ordered to do what i was doing. and i did hated it. i can't help it. i'm spoiled in some way by my parents. *runs away*


ps: not using my pics lately because my comp couldn't read my phone memory card. and also, i seem to have lose the enthusiasm to take pics.

pss: pictures courtesy of deviantart, introduced by sandra.

Where is mine?

she can look damn sweet too! =)

"Where are the hopes? where are the dreams? My cinderella story scene?" -Avril Lavigne, The Best Damn Thing-

Hopes and dreams are limitless. I used to have mine. USED to. but somehow, it disappeared somewhere along the way when i'm growing into the person i am now. i suppose it went away when an idealist became a realist.. *frowns* okay, i don't deny that i've found my cinderella scene.. almost everyone knows it now..


very agent scully from x-files. xD

When i was a kid, i wanted to be so many things when i grow up. i wanted to be a doctor, a dentist, a singer, an actor, a nurse, a veterinarian, a chef, a lawyer and etc. I used to think that being all the listed are easy, all you have to do is study hard. But hell, i realize it isn't easy when i hit puberty. then i know there's more than just studying hard, like to be a doc, you need to dissect stuff.. *i can't stand dissecting animals* or that you need to study jaw structures from dead heads.. *totally severed from their bodies* to be a dentist, not to mention, the strength to pull teeth.. ekk..

appeared on the front cover of Seventeen Malaysia and Cleo Malaysia of October.


So then, i used to have dreams. I want to be perfect. As in, i really want to do good in my studies, to make my parents proud. dad is easy to please but mum.. since i was a kid, i knew she's the hard one to please.. and so i studied as hard as i could.. obtained all the A's so that she could brag to her friends and compare me with her pals' kids.. I obtained all A's for my UPSR *note: i'm NOT trying to brag here*.. and well, she was proud i suppose.. as in like.. i don't know and then she have to spoil the mood by asking "how come some people obtain 7 A's while you only have 5?" and then i realized that she's being shallow.. i told her those 7A's are students from chinese school..


i really want to watch it. =(

And again, i struggled for my PMR. push myself to the max just to obtain another set of straight A's to please her. And of course, i want to do better than my elder sis. I want to prove myself to my family that i can be better, that i can be just as perfect as she is. And i did. However, the response that i wanted.. wasn't there.. I was damn happy for my own result.. i know that i've somehow outdone my elder sis but.. she just went like.. "don't be too happy about it, we'll see your spm.." and then, my dreams came crashing down. i stop dreaming. i stop hoping for her approval that i'm just as smart as my sister. i stop doing what i've been doing : proving myself to her that i'm worth it. and then, i fell bad and hard for my spm *i didn't fail, just didn't do that well..* and without me knowing, she had already labelled me a failure in the family.

worst movie ever made it into the cinema. *rolls eyes*

From there, i wanted to do a lot of things but the number one thing i wanted to do was to be a journalist. Of course, they didn't approved my choice of career and was trying their best to force me into form 6, to help them to save costs. and i did went into form 6, for their sake. for their financial without thinking much about myself. they purchased a house. and are trying their best to make it beautiful, spending that awful lot of money that can actually use for our education but they didn't. i know i cant rely on them, hence i try my best in form 6. and i did well. i was the top of almost everything. *not everything, almost* i was even the top student of form 6, academically. yet.. i am still a failure to her...

absolute cuteness! =D

what happened was, she was nagging my younger sister for failing two subjects since the beginning of the year. it was and wasn't sandra's fault. it was her fault because she didn't try hard enough, wasn't because it wasn't sandra's choice to be in science stream. i was siding sandra and mum suddenly went.." don't you try to make her to your standard, she can be smarter than you!"..

and then, it sorta torn me i guess. i mean, i've been doing a lot of things to redeem myself off that label. the failure. but i don't suppose anything i've doing is worth it. and that now, i feel.. all of a sudden.. my seemingly perfect life (i have great friends, i have a great boyfriend, a loving family, an almost better than okay grades) isn't perfect at all.. and yes, i want to run away. away from her and her condemns. and then.. freedom seems still far away.. i can never be perfect, not in her eyes..



i am me


and now, to hell with it. i'm better off without her labelling. i'm looking forward uni life where i don't have to face this wrath. and of course, i'll be sad to leave dad my sandra behind but i've had enough of it. living with her, the most optimistic person can become a pessimist too. i'm feeling much better now though last night i was damn depressed. teehee. =)