Where is mine?

she can look damn sweet too! =)

"Where are the hopes? where are the dreams? My cinderella story scene?" -Avril Lavigne, The Best Damn Thing-

Hopes and dreams are limitless. I used to have mine. USED to. but somehow, it disappeared somewhere along the way when i'm growing into the person i am now. i suppose it went away when an idealist became a realist.. *frowns* okay, i don't deny that i've found my cinderella scene.. almost everyone knows it now..


very agent scully from x-files. xD

When i was a kid, i wanted to be so many things when i grow up. i wanted to be a doctor, a dentist, a singer, an actor, a nurse, a veterinarian, a chef, a lawyer and etc. I used to think that being all the listed are easy, all you have to do is study hard. But hell, i realize it isn't easy when i hit puberty. then i know there's more than just studying hard, like to be a doc, you need to dissect stuff.. *i can't stand dissecting animals* or that you need to study jaw structures from dead heads.. *totally severed from their bodies* to be a dentist, not to mention, the strength to pull teeth.. ekk..

appeared on the front cover of Seventeen Malaysia and Cleo Malaysia of October.


So then, i used to have dreams. I want to be perfect. As in, i really want to do good in my studies, to make my parents proud. dad is easy to please but mum.. since i was a kid, i knew she's the hard one to please.. and so i studied as hard as i could.. obtained all the A's so that she could brag to her friends and compare me with her pals' kids.. I obtained all A's for my UPSR *note: i'm NOT trying to brag here*.. and well, she was proud i suppose.. as in like.. i don't know and then she have to spoil the mood by asking "how come some people obtain 7 A's while you only have 5?" and then i realized that she's being shallow.. i told her those 7A's are students from chinese school..


i really want to watch it. =(

And again, i struggled for my PMR. push myself to the max just to obtain another set of straight A's to please her. And of course, i want to do better than my elder sis. I want to prove myself to my family that i can be better, that i can be just as perfect as she is. And i did. However, the response that i wanted.. wasn't there.. I was damn happy for my own result.. i know that i've somehow outdone my elder sis but.. she just went like.. "don't be too happy about it, we'll see your spm.." and then, my dreams came crashing down. i stop dreaming. i stop hoping for her approval that i'm just as smart as my sister. i stop doing what i've been doing : proving myself to her that i'm worth it. and then, i fell bad and hard for my spm *i didn't fail, just didn't do that well..* and without me knowing, she had already labelled me a failure in the family.

worst movie ever made it into the cinema. *rolls eyes*

From there, i wanted to do a lot of things but the number one thing i wanted to do was to be a journalist. Of course, they didn't approved my choice of career and was trying their best to force me into form 6, to help them to save costs. and i did went into form 6, for their sake. for their financial without thinking much about myself. they purchased a house. and are trying their best to make it beautiful, spending that awful lot of money that can actually use for our education but they didn't. i know i cant rely on them, hence i try my best in form 6. and i did well. i was the top of almost everything. *not everything, almost* i was even the top student of form 6, academically. yet.. i am still a failure to her...

absolute cuteness! =D

what happened was, she was nagging my younger sister for failing two subjects since the beginning of the year. it was and wasn't sandra's fault. it was her fault because she didn't try hard enough, wasn't because it wasn't sandra's choice to be in science stream. i was siding sandra and mum suddenly went.." don't you try to make her to your standard, she can be smarter than you!"..

and then, it sorta torn me i guess. i mean, i've been doing a lot of things to redeem myself off that label. the failure. but i don't suppose anything i've doing is worth it. and that now, i feel.. all of a sudden.. my seemingly perfect life (i have great friends, i have a great boyfriend, a loving family, an almost better than okay grades) isn't perfect at all.. and yes, i want to run away. away from her and her condemns. and then.. freedom seems still far away.. i can never be perfect, not in her eyes..



i am me


and now, to hell with it. i'm better off without her labelling. i'm looking forward uni life where i don't have to face this wrath. and of course, i'll be sad to leave dad my sandra behind but i've had enough of it. living with her, the most optimistic person can become a pessimist too. i'm feeling much better now though last night i was damn depressed. teehee. =)